legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
