I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I still have a little drunk in my system
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
