I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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