I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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