life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
