Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
