if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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