I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
3pm strippers are depressing
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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