I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
