she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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