I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
