i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
