I think im going to throw up on grandma
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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