Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
