i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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