I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
