I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
