how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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