Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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