She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
