my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
