I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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