were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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