we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
