Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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