Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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