This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
then he tried to convert me to islam
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
