my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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