I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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