I am puke
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
