i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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