thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
what is it with giant penises always finding me
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
