Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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