Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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