Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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