I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
