My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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