Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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