Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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