Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
