I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
