I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
