Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
