woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
