My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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