My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
