Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my being single is dangerous.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
