God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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