Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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