Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
