I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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